Liar Liar

I have not only been lying to myself, but to everyone else as well.

Every day, I wake up miserable. Every day I get ready, and part of that routine is to prepare myself. To prepare myself to lie….

I go to school with a smile. I answer questions in class, finding some joy in my intelligence. I go to work and spend the rest of my day smiling, helping, and wearing a mask of happiness. They ask about my husband and I talk about him as if he is still My Prince Charming…. Because he still is in my heart.

It’s fake, but no one knows.

I am a good liar. This is a good thing because no one sees through my mask.

But this is a bad thing too, because sometimes I just wish someone would call me out. They would say “Stop pretending. We know you’re miserable.”

But they don’t.

They never will.

No one knows.

Not my family, nor his family.

Not my friends, even my best friend.

Not his friends.

Not my bishop.

No one.

Which is why I started this blog.

I needed someone to tell.

I needed somewhere to vent.

I don’t want people who actually know us to get the wrong impression about my husband. If I begin complaining about him to people, they will think bad things. He is not a bad man… just lost. I’m hoping that eventually he will find himself again.

If that happens, I don’t want people left with a sour taste in their mouth about him. The fact is… I love him and I want to make this work. I am willing to stay with him, despite all this. I would wait for him forever, if that’s what it takes.

But I also realize, that’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to him. If neither of us is happy, why keep up the misery.

I’m sick of the lies, but I am afraid of the truth