Let's Talk about Sex, Baby

Our sex life is non existent.

It did not happen overnight. One night, he fell asleep on the couch watching tv and never came to bed. Then a week later, it happened twice. And then, suddenly it became an every night thing. Not only have we not had sex in months, we haven’t slept in the same bed either. If I go to bed, he stays on the couch. If I fall asleep on the couch, he goes to bed.

I hate it. I go to sleep crying, wishing he were there to hold me. I miss his companionship. I miss his strong arms around me. I miss our intimacy.

We did not get married for sex. Because as good as it was, it’s not worth it. No marriage can ever be based on physical intimacy.

But… it helps a marriage remain strong. Being close together physically helps you stay close together spiritually.

And… it’s completely gone

I don’t think he’s gay. In fact, I know he’s not gay. I won’t go into detail, but he is as straight as an arrow.

I don’t think he’s cheating on me either. Not that I am keeping tabs on him, but I know where he is at all times.

Plus, he can’t lie to me. He is great at fooling everyone else, but he has never been able to lie to me. Ever. This is something I always loved about him. I can just read him like a book.

But at times, I almost wish he was one of the two. It would be so much easier if there was a reason for things to be so wrong. But there’s not….

And I am lost…

Liar Liar

I have not only been lying to myself, but to everyone else as well.

Every day, I wake up miserable. Every day I get ready, and part of that routine is to prepare myself. To prepare myself to lie….

I go to school with a smile. I answer questions in class, finding some joy in my intelligence. I go to work and spend the rest of my day smiling, helping, and wearing a mask of happiness. They ask about my husband and I talk about him as if he is still My Prince Charming…. Because he still is in my heart.

It’s fake, but no one knows.

I am a good liar. This is a good thing because no one sees through my mask.

But this is a bad thing too, because sometimes I just wish someone would call me out. They would say “Stop pretending. We know you’re miserable.”

But they don’t.

They never will.

No one knows.

Not my family, nor his family.

Not my friends, even my best friend.

Not his friends.

Not my bishop.

No one.

Which is why I started this blog.

I needed someone to tell.

I needed somewhere to vent.

I don’t want people who actually know us to get the wrong impression about my husband. If I begin complaining about him to people, they will think bad things. He is not a bad man… just lost. I’m hoping that eventually he will find himself again.

If that happens, I don’t want people left with a sour taste in their mouth about him. The fact is… I love him and I want to make this work. I am willing to stay with him, despite all this. I would wait for him forever, if that’s what it takes.

But I also realize, that’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to him. If neither of us is happy, why keep up the misery.

I’m sick of the lies, but I am afraid of the truth

Religion & Relationships

I want to make sure you all know….

I do not blame the LDS church for my failed marriage.

I was taught good principles. I did not feel pressured to get married. We got married for the right reasons. We both have strong testimonies, and regardless of what happens, I will stand stalwart in my religion. But a temple marriage is not a perfect recipe for a happy marriage.

Success in a marriage takes two people. Both partners have to be willing to try, and in this marriage…

one partner stopped trying.

I don’t know when or why,

but somehow,

he stopped loving me.

The LDS church gives a great map for a successful marriage. I won’t pretend it’s perfect, but it has worked for so many couples. If you stay on the path, you can be happy into eternity. We just strayed off the map somewhere along the way.

I think part of it may have begun when my husband was forced to start working Sundays. He worked all day, no longer able to make it to church. I genuinely believe people need that weekly spiritual nourishment. I slowly felt the spirit begin to diminish in our home. I don’t blame him. He had no choice. But I think this may be part of where the problem started.

He used to come to church on the weeks he had off, but that was rare. And then, he stopped coming at all. On the Sundays he had off, he would sleep in, because between grad school and working full-time, he sleeps about 2-3 hours a night. Sunday’s he had off was his only time to catch up.

Instead of letting him choose, I tried to force him to come. I hated when people asked where he was, and I had to lie and say work instead of “Home Sleeping” because I was embarrassed. Forcing him just made it worse

Now, I have to go alone most of the time. It’s hard in some aspects. But in other aspects, it’s easier than faking happiness together.

I have felt my own spirituality fade as well. I am sad to admit that after problems got worse, I slowly let my own religious devotion fade. For awhile, I did not go to church at all either. It was easier than lying to everyone. Then I started reading my scriptures and praying less. This only escalated the problem. In our home that began as a haven, I feel so empty.

I realize that I need to get better, if I ever expect for things to get better…

I guess that’s where I start…

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

For me, divorce was only ok under the rarest of circumstances. Abuse, cheating, abandonment. So to even be thinking about the “D” word feels wrong.

He hasn’t DONE anything. So I guess, you could say,

It’s not a problem of commission.

It’s a problem of omission.

It’s what he doesn’t do that is the problem

He doesn’t hug me, or hold my hand.

He barely looks at me anymore.

We haven’t had sex in well over 6 months, closer to a year… I stopped counting

Sometimes I almost wish he would hit me, or cheat on me. The pain would seem more valid. Then I would not feel so guilty for thinking about the “D” word.

I’m having a hard time knowing what to do.

How long do I hold on?

When do I let go?

I’m not sure we are at the point of divorce yet, but I don’t really know when that point is…

I’ve tried talking to him, and he won’t

I’ve suggested therapy and he cringes

He says there is nothing wrong, but there obviously is

What do I do?!

The Story

We’ll begin at the beginning…

I’m an average 20-someething LDS female. I grew up in the church. I had a wonderful childhood. I have a strong testimony and love my religion. I am working on a graduate degree, and so is my husband.

We met through mutual friends. We clicked instantly. We had lots of similar interests. He was a return missionary. We shared a genuine love for the church. He respected me more than any guy I ever dated. We had common goals for life.

Now unlike what you may be thinking, we did not rush into marriage. We dated for years, making sure it was right. We fell in love….

We got married, and were genuinely happy. We were the ideal couple. Good looking, smart, spiritual. It wasn’t a facade. He made me laugh, and I drove him wild with passion. It was real…. It was the love little girl’s dream of.

We were both going to school, working, and very busy. We didn’t get much time together, but when we did it was magical. We were happy… And it wasn’t just newlywed happy. This lasted for years and years, longer than most people stay in the honeymoon phase. We were simply in love! :-)

Things didn’t change overnight. We both started grad school, we got busier, and things slowly got harder. Our time together was less and less. And for some reason, when we did get time together, the tension was stronger and stronger.

Little things I did began bothering him. He was more uptight with me, and we started fighting. We had disagreed many times in our marriage, but we are both very mature and even tempered. In years and years of marriage, we had never let it get bad enough that we yelled. And then… we began to yell

I hated it, and every time it escalated to yelling, I would cry for hours afterward. And unlike before, he would not wipe my tears. I began to dread going home because I knew what was bound to happen.

I knew we needed help. I suggested therapy, attempted talking it out… nothing worked.

I began trying harder. I was desperate. I tried doing more for him. I tried making his life as easy as possible. I went overboard…. And I smothered him. I smothered him to the point that he avoids me now.

On the rare occasions he is home, he just walks in the door and doesn’t even say hi to me. He goes straight outside and plays with his dog for hours. Then he goes straight to the bedroom and watches tv for the rest of the night. Not because he loves TV, but I think he does it to get away from me.

As we speak, he is sitting on the other couch playing Halo. I have tried saying a few things to him, and he just ignores me. He seems depressed, and I have no idea why

I wish I knew why he acts this way, because it breaks my heart

We put on a façade now. We smile and walk together when we go out. We tease and joke, and pretend to be happy. It’s fake, but I am not ready for people to know yet.

Until recently, I was not ready yet.

And this is my life….

Miserable in Marriage

I have been in denial.

I have been hoping I was imagining it.

I was lying to myself

So here goes….

I am in a failing marriage

Whew… I said it!

It’s liberating… and yet VERY scary.

I have done everything I can, and nothing is working

The fact is… My husband doesn’t love me anymore

It didn’t start out this way.

We got married for all the right reasons.

We were in love

And then something changed

I can’t pinpoint it. I can’t tell you when it began to change.

But long ago I looked in his eyes and realized…. There was no love there.

This blog is my journey

I need an avenue to get out my frustrations.

Maybe by writing my feelings down, I can deal with the problems at hand

I wish to remain anonymous, for obvious purposes

Bear with me…

This is probably going to be the hardest thing I will ever do

So…. Here goes